If You Leave Me Now

If You Leave Me Now

I remember you again today. I remember how you play with me and my siblings when we we’re little. How you would let us ride on your back and how we would try to stay on it while you crawl like a crazy horse out of control. I remember how you used to play loud music even in the morning. You’re a morning person with too much energy going on. I remember how you love singing. How you knew almost every song playing on the radio especially every Sunday when the radio program is backtraxx.

I remember how you would watch us dancing while you play your CD entitled The Good, the Bad and the Ugly by Hugo Montenegro. How you taught us the square dance and how we would do it until our lungs almost gave up. How we will all feel tired but will start dancing again once another song from the album play.

I remember how you obliged us to buy goods from the market and then help you cook for lunch and dinner. How you will equally part our food because our family is quite large. I remember  how riding on our old trike was a treat. How singing with my sisters as you drive away was as wonderful as having a luxury car to ride on.

I remember how proud you get every end of a school year. And how afraid I am to disappoint you and Mommy. I remember feeling shattered when I did, how I cannot look you in the eyes. How you never mentioned anything about it at all. I remember feeling grateful that you didn’t.

I remember how when we got a little older you tell stories about your childhood and your teenager life. How you told us that Mom was still playing chinese garter when you first met her. And how you’re a working student since highschool.

I remember that one time when you hit me with a slipper. How I cried and how you hurt your hand while hitting me. It was my fault, I know. And the memories of how you couldn’t hit us when we’re looking at you came back to my mind.

I remembered saying goodbye to you every time I leave for school. How you will ask me if I have a boyfriend that you know nothing about and how I will give you a kiss on the cheek as I jokingly say “meron na talaga!” I remember how all of us were awake at night during a storm and how you’re voice talking to Mom made us feel safer during the night.

I miss your voice Daddy.

I miss you.

I miss you badly.

You have no idea how I wanted you to be here right now.

~•~•~•

This same time last year, things we’re very different.

Come on, make me feel something.

Come on, make me feel something.

Hi! It’s been quite a long time. (Yeah, I always greet you guys like this when I come back after a long time of hibernating.)

So here’s what’s up.

Have you ever experienced having difficulty in trying to talk to someone? You get your phone,you type a Hi or a Hello and then after a long time of arguing with your mind whether you’ll send the message or not, you end up deleting your message and then you put your phone down.

You tell yourself “He might be very busy.” You know he’s a very busy person, he never stops working and trying to fix something or learning something new. He might not even get the chance to glance at his phone.

You wonder if he’s tired. Have he gone to bed early? Have he eaten yet? You wonder in your heart of hearts if he’s doing all right.

You say to yourself “I don’t want to disturb him. So, I’ll just let him talk to me first. And when he finally does, I’ll just be right here. Waiting.”

But then a hurtful thought cross your mind. Maybe he’s really not busy. Maybe he got tired of talking to you, you’re not that interesting after all. Maybe he just doesn’t want to talk to you anymore.

For the last time you tell yourself “I won’t talk to you anymore”. If he doesn’t want you, you don’t want him either. You can find another person to talk with anyway.

But secretly, you hear your heart whispering “It’s okay. I’ll be here waiting if you want to talk again. Just in case.”

~~~

Feels good to be blogging again.