They say “crying doesn’t mean that you are weak, it just means that you’ve been strong for too long.”

I’ll believe in that right now. Cause I’ve been crying my eyes out and still I don’t feel any better. I’m trying to write this now hoping that after minutes of venting out, I’ll be put in my calmness yet again.

I feel pathetic. I feel so sorry for myself because I can’t even have someone to listen to me. I can’t cry on anyone else’s shoulder and feel their hands patting me on the back saying “what’s wrong?”or “don’t worry everything’s gonna be okay”.

Because right now, everything is wrong. Everything is falling apart. And this has been going for so long now, yet I need to be strong. Yeah, that’s right. I’m the strong one so I need to be strong all the time. But a lot has changed in my life, I feel like everything is out of control.

I’m so scared of what’s going to happen next and I’m not even allowed to show any signs of fear. I feel all alone and I’ve never been this scared. It feels everything is slipping out of my hands like sand.

I pray. I pray really, really hard.

But still, the calmness and peace is often replaced by the cold feeling in my gut trying to swallow me whole.

I’m afraid I won’t be able to hold it in anymore, I might erupt. And I don’t know whom I’ll damage more, others or myself.

I pray for strength and peace of mind and heart. Always.

Always.

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