He was saying something to me. But I was too consumed by the book I was reading. With my head down, I flipped through the pages of The Fault In Our Stars.
I can’t clearly make out the words he’s saying because I was hearing other things too – a dog barking, a shampoo commercial in the television, a song playing at my neighbor’s radio.
He can’t understand that books are not made for multitasking. That I shouldn’t be bothered with stories that could be told later, not when Hazel Grace is about to give Gus her eulogy for his funeral.
“My name is Hazel. Augustus Waters was the great star-crossed love of my life. Ours was an epic love story, and I won’t be able to get more than a sentence into it without disappearing into a puddle of tears. Gus knew. Gus knows. I will not tell you our love story, because—like all real love stories—it will die with us, as it should. I’d hoped that he’d be eulogizing me, because there’s no one I’d rather have . . .” I started crying. “Okay, how not to cry. How am I—okay. Okay.” I took a few breaths and went back to the page. “I can’t talk about our love story, so I will talk about math. I am not a mathematician, but I know this: There are infinite numbers between 0 and 1. There’s .1 and .12 and .112 and an infinite collection of others. Of course, there is a bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities. A writer we used to like taught us that. There are days, many of them, when I resent the size of my unbounded set. I want more numbers than I’m likely to get, and God, I want more numbers for Augustus Waters than he got. But, Gus, my love, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I’m grateful.”
And then teary eyed, I took my eyes away from the book and finally look up. But then I saw he was not talking to me, nor looking at my direction. In fact, he was talking to somebody else. Not when I started exchanging his stories for books about teenagers dying of cancer. He was not talking to me at all.
~based on How Kundera Ruined a Friendship
The calm after the storm.
My storm has passed and it taught me a lot, more than I imagined it would. I’m thanking Jehovah, most of all, for giving me siblings that are far more kind and understanding. For a mother who loves unconditionally despite everything. For friends who listen. For shoulders I can cling into anytime I needed them. I always thought that I’m all alone in fighting this battle and that was a huge mistake. I guess you just have to be open in communication and surround yourself with people.
I thank Jah for all the wisdom He has given me. For the open heart and mind. For the bible and spiritual foods that are always right on time.
Now, I’m still not sure if the storm won’t be coming back at all but it surely prepared me for whatever it is to come.
They say “crying doesn’t mean that you are weak, it just means that you’ve been strong for too long.”
I’ll believe in that right now. Cause I’ve been crying my eyes out and still I don’t feel any better. I’m trying to write this now hoping that after minutes of venting out, I’ll be put in my calmness yet again.
I feel pathetic. I feel so sorry for myself because I can’t even have someone to listen to me. I can’t cry on anyone else’s shoulder and feel their hands patting me on the back saying “what’s wrong?”or “don’t worry everything’s gonna be okay”.
Because right now, everything is wrong. Everything is falling apart. And this has been going for so long now, yet I need to be strong. Yeah, that’s right. I’m the strong one so I need to be strong all the time. But a lot has changed in my life, I feel like everything is out of control.
I’m so scared of what’s going to happen next and I’m not even allowed to show any signs of fear. I feel all alone and I’ve never been this scared. It feels everything is slipping out of my hands like sand.
I pray. I pray really, really hard.
But still, the calmness and peace is often replaced by the cold feeling in my gut trying to swallow me whole.
I’m afraid I won’t be able to hold it in anymore, I might erupt. And I don’t know whom I’ll damage more, others or myself.
I pray for strength and peace of mind and heart. Always.
Whatever I did, I would take it all back.
I’d circle the world to get back what we had.
Tell me what must I do
To deserve your love.
Is there any way I’ll ever be
Is there anything in this world
That I could do?
Is there any way I’ll ever be
I think you need a map for yourself. You need to know more what you’re thinking before saying or doing anything. You need to be sure of what you’re feeling rather than carelessly jumping into conclusions.
I think you need a map for yourself. A GPRS for what’s going on inside your head.