Sorry. This would be the first thing that I would tell you if ever I will have the courage to face you and talk to you again.
I’ve read your post accidentally. I know that wasn’t meant for me to read and again, I’m sorry I did. And right now, I’m writing my reply to you and I am hoping too that you won’t see this too soon.
You’re absolutely right. I knew it from the start. Ever since we were just little kids sleeping on the same bed, I knew it. But I was stupid enough to convince myself that it was just a wrong assumption. I always tell myself, “That’s not true, he’s just being a good friend. You have absolutely nothing to worry about.” It worked for me. I see you as a good childhood best friend who sees me as nothing special.
As we grew older, you became one of the most comfortable persons in the world for me. Thinking about you reminds me of home already. There were those times when we grew apart from each other but I never thought that even after all that, we still manage to build a friendship as strong as what we have right now.
You’re my confidante. Next to my sisters, you’re the person whom I can entrust my secrets and heartaches. You’re that one best friend whom I can randomly hug, whom I can eat with the same spoon with, the one whom I can vent my feelings without you complaining. Together we’re invincible and inseparable.
Like what I have told you, I won’t trade you for any other friend or any other crush in this world. You’re a father, a teacher, a brother and a best friend at the same time. When you’re father passed away, I couldn’t think of anything to make you and your family feel better. I have loved each one of you like my own family. Your father and mother are my parents, too. You and your brother are my brothers from another mother. When you hurt I hurt too, and it’s painful to think that all I can do is to cry with you. That’s why when you asked me to stay by your mother’s side, I am more than willing to cry even for one whole week if that’s what you needed from me.
Back when you confessed your love, you always remind me that I just laughed and responded with a thank you. It’s because I was nervous. I don’t know how to deal with the thing that I’m trying to run from ever since. I was never good with handling love. It’s funny how I give advice to other people but I cannot apply those advice to myself. Besides, you caught me off guard. All along, I was playing the role of a matchmaker between you and you’re forever crush. Weren’t you the one who ask me to come when visiting her? Weren’t you the one who call me at night to throw your disappointments and heartaches about her? Hearing what you had to say that afternoon, is just mind blowing and confusing. You were hurt by my response and I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it to be that way.
One more thing is that you’re being a coward. You confessed your love to me but at the same time you told me that you’re going to forget all about your feelings for me. You didn’t take the courage and chance to ask me. What if I had said something different? Well, up to now I honestly don’t know what to say. But one thing is for sure, it maybe a yes or no. You didn’t see the possibilities. There’s a scary NO but a YES may just be hiding around the corner.
Telling me that you’re getting rid of your feelings is like telling me that loving me is a mistake. A mistake that you want to get right. That was painful for me too. Am I not worthy? And so, I agreed with your plan because I wanted to save our friendship too.
There are those occasions when you tell me that you’re crushing on someone, that you really like our friend, and that girl is so pretty. This makes me confused even more.
You’re one of those people who sees nothing beautiful about me. You tell me how beautiful my sisters are ( I can’t complain to this because it’s true) and that I’m nothing compared to them. You always laugh at me when I jokingly tell you how pretty I think I am. And that aside from being maputi, I have nothing else to be proud of. I accepted the thought that maybe you have mistaken our friendship for love. I felt relief and all the awkwardness disappeared.
I openly tell you everything about my love life but now I realized I shouldn’t have done that. I was hurting you without me noticing. I am so sorry. Reading your post breaks my heart even more because you are one of those precious persons I never want to hurt.
I am sorry. I am really, really sorry.
And now that you’re letting me go, I’ll just pretend that everything’s okay and that I never read your post. That’s what I’m good at right? Pretending.
I promise not to bring you trouble anymore. Even if it means, I’ll have to lose my best friend for a while. Please come back as fast as you can. I’ll be waiting for that time.
I am sorry.