Adieu

My back aches because of working all day. My eyes hurt because of my computer screen that I have been facing 8 hours now but still I chose to still sit down and type this blog post. 

Yesterday, aside from having the good intentions of filling myself up with spiritual food in the convention, I’d hate to say that I went because I really wanted to see you. Even after all this time of successfully convincing my friends (and unsuccessfully convincing myself) that I already forgot about you, I hopelessly find myself excited for the chance to see you and somehow hoping that you’ll talk to me now though the chances are really slim. 

But you didn’t.  Not even one smile. Can you not at least fake a smile for me? Or maybe a raise of eyebrows. Or even just a glance. 

All this time, I have been keeping my heart empty so that you can re-enter freely anytime you want. And now, I have realized that was a huge mistake and a waste of time. It was a mistake because I shouldn’t have done that in the first place. A person’s heart should never be empty even if it is having a hard time. It should be filled with love from people and for people so that it could heal at a faster pace. 

And now I’m choosing to be healed fully and completely. 

Adieu, my love. Adieu.

I don’t know if it’s seriously love or have I mistaken this feelings of mine for love? But of one thing, I am now sure of. Whatever this is, whatever name you have for it, I’m letting it go. 

A flame cannot die down if you keep on fueling it. And right now, I’ll do my best to pour water to my flaming heart and watch  how the drops kill every flame, every spark. To ease the pain of something burned, you should let it cool down right? 

But know that hate has no place in my heart especially for you. You’re still that person who managed to put a smile on my heart in some point of our lives and I will always remember you like that. You’re still that friend who accidentally throw a volley ball on me which I think had been the cause of my falling. It’s just that you never managed to catch me. You’re still the  guy who wiped a seat for me and the guy who used to give me a back ride in his motorcycle while yelling “Kumapit ka!” 

I wish that someday when we bumped into each other, I can manage to smile at you and greet you without all the worries and pain of yesterday. I would surely say hello and we can finally be real friends. 

I have read that the word adieu in French is used for expressing good wishes when someone leaves. In our case, you’re not the one who is leaving neither am I. But my feelings are, and I hope when these feelings of mine finally come back they are for someone that I will love for a lifetime. 

Until we meet again, love. 

 
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