How can love be so cruel to me?
I don’t really know how I’m going to start this. I don’t know if I should really be writing about this but something inside me felt like I have to.
Four beautiful years ago, I fell in love for the first time. I was young and naive, not knowing all the consequences of putting your heart on the line. And come to think of it, I was the type to be intimidating for a guy to court. I was a bit of a snob, an honor student and a boyish type of girl who runs around the school corridors. I never expected him to like me. He was my crush ever since my freshman year but my fascination over him ended when he finally got himself a girlfriend. But the odds seem to turn when I was in my third year. That year I was in the blossom of my high school days. I am doing really well in my academics, I was a full scholar and who would know that I will win the title Ms. Rizal Standard Academy that year? Everything was almost perfect.
Then one fine night, after our group rehearsal for a stage play he came to me and offered to take me home. I can clearly remember that feeling – the thumping of my heart, the blood rushing in my face. I tried to imagine how I looked back then and I really can’t picture it. I think those emotions and feeling are too strong to ever be described that I can’t even put it into the right words.
I loved him. I knew I did. Every moment spent with him is happiness that I can’t fathom into words. Every time I see him right beside our school gate waiting for me to come home, I know my smile can’t be painted for it is really sweet and big that sometimes I think if all my other facial parts can smile, they definitely will. His hands are big and rough and strong but something about them makes me feel comfortable and safe. Even if we just watch TV in our house or just exchange stories about our day, I know I am happy. I have never been that happy before and thanks to him somehow I can say that love is something beautiful.
Then we went to college.
We rarely see each other. We rarely talk to each other. Odds turned the table again and all the happiness of that young love disappeared.
I was the one who broke up with him. I was the one who asked for it. ‘Cause I can no longer see how this relationship is gonna work. I guess I let go of the first man I’ve ever loved because of GREATER reasons. I would like to think that my reasons are greater for it involves my FAITH. I never regret it. But it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt or it pains me any less. There were those nights that my tears automatically fall from my eyes every time I try to sleep. In the morning, thoughts of him kept on flying from everywhere right into my mind that’s already tired from last night’s lachrymation. I tried to reach him. I’ve been so selfish to think that we can still be friends after what I did. I want to know if he’s doing fine because I am miserable and I was hoping that he is too. I am too selfish to just let go of him and wish him all the happiness in this world because what I felt was a total 360 degree turn from happiness.
Then he moved on and find himself a new girl friend.
Do you know that feeling? Seeing something that you never wanted to see? That’s how I felt. It hurts. It hurts a lot that somehow I feel my chest trying to burst any minute. The feeling of a supressed cry. The one that makes it hard to breathe.
Then I moved on.
I moved on in the sense that I was no longer hoping. But my heart is still in a state of numbness. I have been changed into a totally different person that is entirely separate of my own being. Love changes you in ways you can never imagine. And once love does, it’s hard to go back or should I say you can never come back to the real you. I become hard, cold and stiff on the outside when on the inside I am just a fragile little girl that can never stop crying. I got tired of it and I’m really tired of becoming tired of myself. Do I even make sense?
A couple of years passed and I become better. I surround myself with good people and with Jehovah’s help I cannot feel the ache anymore. But I’m still scared. I always put my guards up and I’m afraid to let anyone inside my heart again for I am still not ready. But I harbour no resentment or hate towards that man. I decided to give honor to that young love by not engaging in cheap flings that can never be turned into something like what we had. I cannot remember anything that I don’t like about that person because I would like to keep the memory of him a good one. I still love him but this love is not strong enough anymore to want him back or to make my heart hurt again.
How can love be so cruel to me?
After earning loads of courage to love again, I let someone in. That same feeling comes back again. I feel like a child having a crush for the first time and I can’t sleep again though this insomnia is brought by hours and hours of thinking about him. The joy and excitement of seeing someone, the nervousness you have when opening a text message from him and the smile you draw on your lips when you find yourself imagining spending a lifetime with him. Once again, my heart can do a cartwheel and a back flip because of happiness.
But why is love cruel to me?
Why do I always find myself crying because of love? Why am I here alone wishing that you will realize that it has always been me all along? Why are you not bothered that you’re breaking my heart?
How can you break something that was not even whole to start with?
I loved him. I knew I did.
But how long should I be waiting?
And here are the confessions of a broken heart. Silently crying. Slowly falling.
And I’m sorry to those people whom I have hurt a lot. Those that are giving their best efforts to care for me. I am sorry if at times I seem to not care. I am sorry if it seems like I don’t see you and not appreciate you. I really do. It’s just that I don’t want you to end up like me who is nursing a broken heart. I don’t want to commit myself into someone when I know I’m still not fixed.
Though my experience is tragic and full of pain, I don’t want to dishonor love in all aspects. I am not the type to play around with love and make it like a game of mix and match, leaving numbers of lovers torn apart. I still believe that love is something that should be beautiful. Something pure and full of happiness. That’s why I am, what I am right now. I am waiting for that time when I’m ready, when I’m whole and complete. So that love will never be a bitter experience again.
And I’m waiting for that time to come.