Charlie, I have some things to tell you. When we first met, I said that my fiance had broken up with me. That was a lie. Truth is, he passed away. All he said in his note was he was sorry. And that there was too much pain.
I was devastated. I couldn’t accept it. I began to drink, which as you’ve seen I’m not very good at. And I was frequently brought home by strangers and taxi cabs. And that was why my father acted that way towards you. Honestly, if you’ll get to know him, he’s a very nice man.
I was very close to my fiance’s mother. I tried to go to see her a little after he died. She said she had a great guy she wanted to introduced to me – i couldn’t bear the thought of it.
and then I met you…
You reminded me of him, you’re both strong and kind, and confident… in your own way. You even look like him. And there were may other paradox. They were small, but they seemed important. He and I met in the subway platform just as you and I met. Like you, he carried a handkerchief. I was very sick at that time and he took good care of me, like you did. As you and I got to know each other, I felt the clog begins to lift a little bit. I thought it was the similarities between you and him, and so, I decided that you and i would do everything he and I does. That way, it would almost like he never die and the pain would stop.
Because on our 33rd day together he brought me a rose, I asked you to do the same. Because he and I planned our future under this tree, I chose it for you and me as well. Because he and I had a favorite restaurant, I brought you there. Because he died in the ocean, I pushed you to go in and then saved you.
All of those was crazy and selfish and wrong, I know. But grief can make us crazy. Anyway, it didn’t work and at certain point I realized I didn’t like you because of him, I liked you because I like you. And every time I started to be happy, I would stop my self. It felt wrong to be happy, it felt wrong to let go to just forget about him even for just a minute. It felt I was betraying him. All i can do was hurt you, and that’s not me Charlie, that’s not me at all. And someday I hope I can show you as much.
Something had to be done. In order for us to have a chance in the future, I had to make a break with the past. And for this i needed time. I hope I feel we’re not apart, and I’m sitting with you while you read this. But if im not, it’s not because I don’t love you, because I do. It’s not because I don’t miss you, because I miss you already. It just mean that I’m not better and our story isn’t over yet.
Will you wait for me Charlie? Can you wait? With all my heart I hope you can.